I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
FUCK WHALES
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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