i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
