You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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