the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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