Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
