Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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