It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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