So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
