Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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