Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
