im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
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