I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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