Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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