Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
