mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I am naked and annoyed.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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