Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
