Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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