His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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