The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
