we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
