i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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