Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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