you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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