he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
