yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
