You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
