respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
