Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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