Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
