dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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