Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
