shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
