Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
