Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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