Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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