My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
