He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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