Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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