Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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