today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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