He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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