New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I could fuck to npr.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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