I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
