I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
