Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize