I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
