Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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