i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
