I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
