Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
