I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize