you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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