Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
