I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
