how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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