We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize