Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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