Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
