He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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