Nicole vs. Life
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
