Acid is not a monday night drug
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
