i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
