I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He has the fingertips of a God
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize