how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
