I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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