My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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